then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
