You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
