dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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