Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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