I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
