It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
