Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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