Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
