Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
