You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
