Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
