I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
