She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
