Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
