I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
