I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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