I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
