Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
