She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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