I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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