I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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