just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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