On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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