apparently the secret to your success is patron
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
