1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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