Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
