u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
