Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
