don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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