dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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