So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize