Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
