I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
