Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
