This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
