they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
