Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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