Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
