I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize