If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
