Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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