Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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