Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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