Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
