Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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