You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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