I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize