Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
