physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
