I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
