Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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