I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
