And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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