I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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