just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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