dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I want is dick and wine.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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