I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
