Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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