You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
