Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
