apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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