Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
