Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
