i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
