I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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