Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
